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Ok so this subject may well be uncomfortable for some and controversial for others, but I think it is an important aspect of adoption and worthy of discussion.

No one likes to think of adoption as a commercial transaction, but in some ways it is and in some ways it is unlike any commercial transaction that exists.

A quick disclaimer, what I describe below is specific to Ontario, but I believe the system is more or less the same in the other provinces. As always I would love to hear from people about how the system in other provinces might be different.

The first step anyone wishing to adopt takes is to retain the services of an adoption practitioner. This is the first place where things get a little weird. It feels like you are paying someone to provide you with a service, a particular product (the homestudy report) in a particular timeframe, along with general advice and support. The interesting twist is that the practitioner is not really working for you. They are really working on behalf of the Provincial Ministry in some respects. After all the report is for the Ministry and their responsibility is largely to the Provincial Ministry. In what other situation do you pay someone for a service where at the end of it the person you retained would be completely within their rights to not provide you with a product (a homestudy report with a positive recommendation) that you wanted to obtain.

The problem with this system is that people often feel like they cant have the normal expectations someone might have when you pay someone to do something for you. The big one that I hear over and over is in terms of schedule. People sometimes feel uncomfortable being the tiniest bit demanding on this subject for fear of risking that positive recommendation. I just wish there was a way to get rid of this conflict.

For public adoptions the issue is a bit different. With the homestudy being provided for free by the Children’s aid society the problem is that they really own the homestudy and not you. My sense is that this sometimes translates to it feeling like they own you as well.

To come: Part 2 - Payments to agencies, Part 3 - IA payments.

Tags: Advice to those adopting by Windthrow
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First off let me say that this is a fictional person, I very much doubt the person I am about to describe exists.

Many of you probably have an in depth understanding of the various criteria governments and agencies have for adoptive parents….age, health, income, etc… Generally those criteria are appropriate or I at least understand why someone else would think so. For the sake of discussion I want to go beyond these criteria though. With the adoption world the way it is, what else is there that would set someone looking to adopt apart…make them “perfect”. Well here are a few things I have come up with:

1. Has a desire to be a parent but would be equally happy to never be one.
2. Has a clear understanding of their strengths and weaknesses as parents and does enough research to understand just what level of special needs they can handle, if any at all.
3. Is willing to put themselves forward to adopt, but only if the right match is found and they are clearly the best choice for that particular child.
4. Able to wait for a match that may never come with no expectations and with boundless patience and once a match is made be able to embrace that child and everything about them with love and energy and a commitment to being the best parent possible.

Ok, so like I said a fictional person, right?

So what is the point of even talking about such a person? Well let me put it this way, I think to the extent possible prospective adoptive parents should try to make the choices and decisions that go into becoming an adoptive parent based as much as possible on what is best for a particular child. Few prospective parents will ever get all the way there, I know I hardly even made a few small steps towards that goal myself while we were paperchasing and waiting.

So what might a practical example of this be? Well I am sure I could think of quite a few but here is a quote from an adoptive parent that actually inspired this post:

Also, domestic adoptions often are open, meaning continuing contact between the birth family and the child, which some adoptive parents are not comfortable with.

My almost visceral reaction when I see things like this is something along the lines of “get over what you are comfortable with and start thinking about what will be best for the child”.

Anyway that is probably enough for now…I will come back to the particular issue of the resistance to openness in a couple of days with a request to anyone reading.

Tags: Advice to those adopting by Windthrow
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• Finding an adoption practitioner
• Doing research
• Getting a homestudy done and the paperchase
• Selecting the type of adoption
• Finding a match
• More paperwork
• etc, etc, etc….

The time from when you decide to adopt until the time you become a parent is at best an incredible challenging period in anyones life and at worst a nightmare of stress and anxiety. So what good advice do I have for people on this journey? I participate in seminars on occasion telling my story and answering questions so this is a question I think about quite a lot.

The single most important advice I would give is to take complete and total ownership of the process yourself. Your adoption practitioner and any agencies you might hire are there to help you yes, but under no circumstance should you rely on them as your best and certainly not your only source of information. Adoption practitioner’s will and have admitted to me that they can’t keep up with changes in the IA world. Agencies serving the same purpose will and have give different information on identical issues. So yes use these people as a resource, but dont stop there:

• if you have a question about a particular IA program, find one or more parents that have very recent experience with the program
• if you are unsure about how to go about completing part of the paperchase correctly or more efficiently, find people that have just done it
• if something you are hearing doesn’t feel right or make sense, don’t accept it on faith, do more research, ask more questions

There are lots and lots of resources out there for people pursuing adoption, hopefully this blog and the attached forum will become one of them. I have started a thread in the forum on this subject. If anyone has any hard earned lessons from their journey through the adoption process, please sign in and share!

Tags: Advice to those adopting by Windthrow
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