adopttalkcanada.com

I have been meaning to do a post of the subject of loss and adoption ever since I started this blog. As my daughter recently had a birthday , now seems like an appropriate time.

For most adoptive parents I suspect, and certainly for me, the birthday of their child is a pretty happy occasion. Given that we were there for her birth, and it is the day we became a family it is an especially happy occasion for me. That being said, I am always mindful that it is the anniversary of a day of loss as well. As my daughter gets older I imagine she may feel this tug-of-war, and thats ok.

We are also fortunate in that our daughter will in the future, if they both are willing, be able to share the day with her birthmom. I see no downside to that, for as important a day as it was for us, it was a much more momentous day for both of them I think. The other thing I am thankful for is the pictures we have from the day of her birth that include us and a large part of her birthfamily. We tend to throw around the term “priceless” a bit too easily sometimes I think, but when it comes to these pictures there is truly no dollar value that can be placed on them.

It is inevitable I suppose that any blog by an adoptive parent is likely to focus more on the positives of adoption. I like to think that I do “get” the other side of the equation and I hope that any adoptees or birthparents that come across this blog get that sense as well. Please though, feel free to comment and share your own views on whatever I post. Your thoughts will be more than welcome.

Tags: Loss and Adoption by Windthrow
2 Comments »

So here I sit, day three of a weeks vacation, small family resort in Muskoka. My wife is out learning to waterski and my daughter is napping peacefully. At some point yesterday I got to thinking about how this vacation might be different if our original plan to adopt from China had come to fruition.

Our daughter would be a bit older although not a lot, but the big difference is that we would be a family very visibly formed through adoption. Now given the notable reserve of the average canadian, no one might have even made a comment directly to us by now but I am sure people would have noticed the fact nonetheless.

Back when we were waiting for a China referral I now realize I had a very romantic view of what life with a child adopted from China would be like. It is hard for me to describe, but I am willing to admit that part of it might of had to do with getting the admiration of people for doing such a wonderful thing. Elsewhere in my online travels there was recently a heated discussion I read that included a discussion about the “nobility” of adopting. Is adoption a noble act? Some without question think of it that way. Certainly many adoptive parents get the “oh what a wonderful thing you have done comments” so many people outside of the adoption world definitely think of it that way.

My own view is that adoption met a need and desire that my wife and I had to be parents, and in that sense I now see the advantage of the fact that our daughter is not visibly adopted. I think it also gives me a greater understanding of the extra challenges involved with transracial adoptions, both from the child’s perspective and the parent’s perspective.

Tags: Parenting by Windthrow
6 Comments »

The panel will recommend ways to help make both fertility treatment and
adoption more accessible and affordable.

That is a short excerpt from a news release that went out on July 11 the full release can be read here.

http://www.newswire.ca/en/releases/archive/July2008/11/c3851.html

The Panel includes an two adoption professionals, a foster parent and two adoptive parents so the adoption community seems to be well represented.

We are already discussing in the Advocacy Section of the Forum area the improvements adoptive parents would like to see.

I would encourage anyone who has thoughts on this subject to come join the discussion. In particular, if you are in the middle of paperchasing, or taking the PRIDE training, or looking for a match and you have comments, questions or concerns with the process I for one would love to hear from you. I know there is sometimes a reluctance to “rock the boat” or be critical of people that you still need the support of to navigate through the world of adoption, so please feel free to comment as anonymously as you feel you need to or even send me a more private e-mail.

Tags: Advocacy by Windthrow
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The “perfect” adoption scenario

Following on from my previous post I thought it was a good time to did this one out.

A while ago this article was in the Toronto Star

http://www.thestar.com/living/article/306460

As part of an open adoption I read the article with some interest. My first reaction to the article was pretty ambivalent. There wasn’t really much I hadn’t heard before and as with most new pieces it was a pretty superficial look at a very complex subject. After a while though I realized there was something about the article that was bugging me. It took me a while but I eventually figured out what it was….nowhere in that article does it mention anything about the impact of an open vs closed adoption on the child themselves. The whole article was about the impact on the adoptive parents and birth parents.

So anyway…I know it is not realistic to expect a sophisticated discussion on this issue from a mainstream newspaper…but we can do better here I hope.

So here is my question:

What is the “perfect” adoption situation from a purely child centred viewpoint?

Now let me expand on that.

First there is no perfect adoption situation. Every adoption starts with some sort of loss and even in the world of “open” adoption no two situations can really ever be identical.

But lets take the following hypothetical:

Birthparents are unable to parent for whatever reason but are still alive. Both the adoptive parents and birthparents are geographically close enough to have whatever level of relationship they feel is best for the child.

Given that scenario what do people think is the ideal situation for the child, irrespective of any issues that might create for the parents.
My own thoughts continue to evolve on this, but for my own daughter my ideal is that her relationship with her birthmother is first of all a “comfortable” one. By that I mean I would like them to know each other well enough that they can talk without wondering or worrying about how the other person will take things.

Tags: Hard Thinking Series by Windthrow
4 Comments »

Ok, so way back when….when I knew next to nothing about adoption I couldn’t get my head around the concept of open adoptions at all. Am sure this is one of the main reasons we ended up pursuing a defacto closed IA originally. When our unexpected opportunity to adopt privately here came up I was forced to quickly re-evaluate my thinking on open adoptions. In the space of a week I read every book on the subject I could find and then set about doing an online search for anything I could find. I very specifically recall trying to find some viewpoints that were negative towards open adoptions. I also recall that I found none. Obviously I was quickly convinced that open adoptions were nothing to fear.

Fast forward to now and I remain convinced, yet I know there is still a great deal of fear out there on this subject. My hope here is to try to coax at least a few of you out there that have doubts about open adoptions to articulate why so that we can discuss the issue a bit more fully.

I won’t promise you that I won’t try to change your mind, but I do promise to be respectful of your thoughts and I guarantee you will have my respect for being willing to engage in discussion on this issue.

Tags: Open Adoption by Windthrow
5 Comments »