All ours (from kantmakm)
Domestic adoption was too scary for me. A relative had nightmare experiences with multiple birth mothers not following through with their adoption plans, and that was frightening. I could not fathom having a relationship with a birth-mom. I just wanted a daughter, not a whole other family to deal with. What if she wanted something from us? I wanted a daughter that would be “all ours.”
We were referred an 11 month old baby girl from China in the Fall of 2008. The feelings of that day were so surreal – a lot of tears were shed over her pictures. The pent up emotion of a 3 year wait came rushing to the surface. A month later we were in China. As we waited in the hotel lobby to meet our baby girl, I felt the exact same extreme excitement and anxiety as I did when I was watching our son being born in the hospital. Our daughter was placed into our arms for the first time on November 2nd. She was dazed. She did not cry. She had an eye infection and flea bites all over her face, and she was tired and hungry. We were incredibly happy and she was more or less in shock. The photos from that day tell the story that we couldn’t see while we were experiencing it. We later found out that she was removed from her foster family that morning and bussed from the SWI to the provincial capital, where she was put in a diaper and a new outfit and promptly turned over to us. I cannot imagine how terrifying that must have been for her.
Our dear little girl spiked a fever the next day and had a quick heartbeat that had the doctor concerned (I think she was sick when she was placed in our arms and on some type of medication that wore off.) We were prepared and we nursed her back to good spirits and health with antibiotics, and showers, and good meals, and hot bottles, and love. Her new brother got the first smile. Her bites healed and her eye healed and day by day she revealed to us more of her personality. Her appetite was amazing. She was eating more food at each meal than our son. She slept through most nights, tossing and turning and sometimes screaming in her crib – we could only imagine what was going on in her little head. We started in on the attachment stuff right away, carrying her in a sling all the time, lots of communication, eye contact, and so on.
We have been home for 8 months, and our family is complete. There have been ups and downs, but we have adjusted to one another – we have brought her into our life, and she has brought China into our lives. She is now a healthy and happy-go-lucky toddler who loves to play and swim and eat. She prefers her parents to anyone else and her brother vacillates between “I love you” and “I hate you” as older brothers do with their sisters. She makes us laugh every day and we are so, so, madly in love with our daughter and could not imagine our life without her.
She is our daughter now, but she is not “all ours.” She has a foster family in China that raised her well for 12 months and cares about her a great deal with whom we have been able to share photos. More likely than not, she has a birth family in China – maybe siblings that share her square-shaped head and sport her “lucky ears.” I wish I could know them and thank them. I wish she could at least know of them. I wish that they could know how happy and loved she is.
She will have a lot of questions, and for many of them the answer from me will start off “We don’t know for sure, but…” We will fill her life with family and love, but I know there will be a part of her that will be not of our family but of China, of her birth family, and of mystery. And her beautiful honey skin, her radiant Asian eyes, and her dark, silky hair will be reminders of that mystery. I will do all I can to ensure that she is able to own her mystery and be proud.
However a family is built - through adoption or otherwise - there are unknowns and what ifs. There is no “safe” way to go about this very serious business of making a lifetime commitment to love and care for another human being. You make your choices, and you take your chances. Adoption is complicated, and nothing is too scary anymore.
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