The Perfect Prospective Adoptive Parent
First off let me say that this is a fictional person, I very much doubt the person I am about to describe exists.
Many of you probably have an in depth understanding of the various criteria governments and agencies have for adoptive parents….age, health, income, etc… Generally those criteria are appropriate or I at least understand why someone else would think so. For the sake of discussion I want to go beyond these criteria though. With the adoption world the way it is, what else is there that would set someone looking to adopt apart…make them “perfect”. Well here are a few things I have come up with:
- Has a desire to be a parent but would be equally happy to never be one.
- Has a clear understanding of their strengths and weaknesses as parents and does enough research to understand just what level of special needs they can handle, if any at all.
- Is willing to put themselves forward to adopt, but only if the right match is found and they are clearly the best choice for that particular child.
- Able to wait for a match that may never come with no expectations and with boundless patience and once a match is made be able to embrace that child and everything about them with love and energy and a commitment to being the best parent possible.
Ok, so like I said a fictional person, right?
So what is the point of even talking about such a person? Well let me put it this way, I think to the extent possible prospective adoptive parents should try to make the choices and decisions that go into becoming an adoptive parent based as much as possible on what is best for a particular child. Few prospective parents will ever get all the way there, I know I hardly even made a few small steps towards that goal myself while we were paperchasing and waiting.
So what might a practical example of this be? Well I am sure I could think of quite a few but here is a quote from an adoptive parent that actually inspired this post:
Also, domestic adoptions often are open, meaning continuing contact between the birth family and the child, which some adoptive parents are not comfortable with.
My almost visceral reaction when I see things like this is something along the lines of “get over what you are comfortable with and start thinking about what will be best for the child”.
Anyway that is probably enough for now…I will come back to the particular issue of the resistance to openness in a couple of days with a request to anyone reading.
7 Responses to “The Perfect Prospective Adoptive Parent”
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As usual, Windthrow, you have captured a very large issue in a very short, articulate post. I guess I would summarize all of these characteristics into one word - flexibility. Just keep rolling with whatever you encounter.
On the openness, if people allow themselves to go down that road, I expect most find they are bigger and better people than they thought they would/could be, because if you do think of it from the perspective of “Is it good for the child?”, then it all becomes pretty easy. I still get squiggle-eyed looks when I say we have an open adoption and find it is largely people’s lack of knowledge of what that means and fear - of the unknown, even of the “out of the ordinary” or unusual type of relationship (although I would have thought it would be more commonly understood by now). I just give them an example, like the birth mother called on father’s day to wish dh a happy father’s day and people start to warm up to it.
I think one of the reasons people avoid open adoptions is to protect themselves emotionally. It’s just one more thing they would have to deal with that would expose them emotionally to a whole new range of emotions and situations, so I do have some empathy for why people think it is safer to do a closed adoption. I think all the decisions involved in adoption are so hard that it’s best to know your limits and stay within them.
I gotta say, I would not be comfortable with my girl ever meeting her biological parents. As far as I’m concerned–we are it. I don’t see how it could be good for anyone, but I’m quite sure many will disagree with me. I’m cool with that–just putting down my comment.
Hey jwb. Since I know you wont take it the wrong way let me ask you this.
Lets fast forward ten years. Life is great, but your daughter has always been interested in her biological mom…has asked questions, wondered about her, etc…. Then completely out of the blue you get a call from your adoption agency, apparently your daughters bio parents got access to the SWI files and learned where their daughter ended up. They don’t “want her back” but they would love to hear from you and her. Possibly get pictures and maybe meet one day in the near future (lets say they have the means to travel for the sake of argument). How would you react to this?
joliewannabe-
I do hope that over time you opinion on your child meeting her bio-parents will change. I can tell you, that as an adoptee, I know who my parents are - my A-parents. But, I also am so grateful that I know my birth family - because A-parents are not all of “it” for an adoptee. We come with a history, genetic connections, cellular bonds… By denying this you are, in essence, denying who your child is.
I’ll tell you the truth - I don’t like my A-mother and haven’t spoken to her for years. But, you know what?, she is still my mother - always has been and always will be. My birthmother is not competition with my mother (though that is how A-mother saw it)…they are apples and oranges. Both are important in my life and history, they answer different questions and satisfy different needs, both contribute to who I am.
I know, the idea of birth parents can be threatening. But isn’t it our job, as adults and as parents, to do the hard work and get over the idea of being threatened? It takes a big person with a big and giving heart to do that, but I think that is simply what is required of parents, especially A-parents. The bottom line is doing what is right for our children, isn’t it? Putting up roadblocks to unifying their lives, even subtle and subconscious ones, isn’t such a good thing. Kids will sense a negative vibe towards bio family and will hide their feelings so as not to hurt A-parents. Is that what we want? Our children hiding their feelings to make adults feel better? Not me, for sure.
I do get where you are coming from, jwb…but having read your blog I know you are one cool, strong woman with a generosity of spirit….I appreciate your being honest about your feelings and I’d love to hear what you think 10 or 20 years down the road. I like to think you are smart enough and cool enough to have changed your mind by then.
Ok, Windy–you got me at the “fast forward 10 year” line. If I got a call like that, I guess I would be up for it. I read your comment and pictured myself getting that call. I don’t think that makes me “smart” or “cool” as the other comment would suggest but as I look down the road, I see us a very secure and strong family and I’m sure it would be very interesting to meet FJ’s birth parents (and maybe even get her back story). I changed my mind–I’m such a girl!!!!
Yup - that’s the part I took out of my original post because it actually sometimes gets people going but … for those closed to open adoptions, i would like to see how they feel in the future when the children are in that “who am I?” stage. I’ve talked to a number of different adoptees - some wanted to meet their birth families, others didn’t want to but all wanted to know as much as they could about their background, particularly health. Anyways, went to your blog joliewannabe and have been enjoying it this morning - it was a good distraction from a tough morning for baby - much spit up happening. You have just come back home from China so I need to return and see how the story progresses - thanks for sharing your story - you have a lovely family.
Thanks, Sharon. I think that is so nice that you checked out our blog–I hope you enjoyed the rest of it .
Keep on keepin on with this site, Windthrow–it’s great so far.