adopttalkcanada.com

I am not completely sure where I am going with this post so bear with me.

So why do people adopt? In my experience the answer in the majority of cases is that they adopt because they want to be parents. There is nothing wrong with this answer in my mind, it is certainly the answer I would give myself and I think this answer applies to those that become parents the old fashioned way as well.

So where is the problem?

Well in my travels through the online world of adoption I find myself coming across an attitude of entitlement more often than I would have ever expected. Maybe I am misreading the comments people make but so many seem to be more focused on what they are getting from being adoptive parents as opposed to what their children are getting.

So what are adoptive parents “entitled” to? Well in a legal sense we are entitled to all the same things as bio parents are. As for the rest, well we aren’t really entitled to much. I have come around to the view that as parents (even bio ones) we earn what we get. The difference is that for adoptive parents the work that goes into the “earning” is often more than for bio parents and often a whole lot more.

I am not sure I am being very clear here so let me put it another way. From the child’s perspective being adopted means that they have had a pretty rough start to their lives. Whether they are adopted as a newborn, toddler or older child they did not ask to be adopted and in the short term, adoption certainly means disruption and uncertainty for them. Do they owe their new adoptive parents anything? Certainly not at the beginning. After a year? Several years?

Parenting is hard work and it often brings great joy. What I try to tell myself is that the joy part is sometimes going to come from the effort I put into parenting, but it is never something I am owed. Choosing to be an adoptive parent is really all about making a commitment to a child and there is a lot of obligation that comes with that. Thankfully in the vast majority of cases I suspect adoptive parents get all the good stuff too, but I know it may not always be so.

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