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Author Topic: Maximize your chance for a match...Ideas?  (Read 4153 times)

Windthrow

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Maximize your chance for a match...Ideas?
« on: June 02, 2008, 10:03:45 AM »

Our private adoption pretty much found us, but I know how absolutely, incredibly lucky we were so am curious if anyone has advice for how to maximize your chances.

What are you trying? What worked for you?

Agencies? Online? Friends?

What advice would you give someone working on their profile?

Would love to hear peoples thoughts or if you have questions please ask those too.
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arw

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Re: Maximize your chance for a match...Ideas?
« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2008, 03:11:56 PM »

If I was adopting domestically in the U.S. I would engage an independent consultant instead of a single agency in order to have my file circulated to as many agencies as possible.
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DD adopted from Suzhou City, China - May 2008

whenpigscanfly

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Re: Maximize your chance for a match...Ideas?
« Reply #2 on: June 03, 2008, 12:58:35 PM »

Here are some thoughts:

Generally speaking, I would say you need to be really self-aware and open to feedback on your portfolio, in order to improve its quality.  Secondly, you need to be really honest about who you are.  As you develop your relationship with a birth mom in an open adoption, you want to be able to speak freely and not worry about - what did I say about that or this?  You actually do want to find a birthmom who shares as much in common with you as possible because trust me, it will make the experience alot better.  You don't have to share all of your rough edges or negative features in the dear birth mom letter but the truth will out at some point, so make sure you don't misrepresent. 

Think of it as an application for a job - you want the portfolio to present you as an attractive person but you don't want to say you can program a computer for example, if you can't.  Think of that first day on the job or in-person meeting with the mom.  What will you talk about?  That will help you figure out what you want to say in your letter.

Use active shots - gardening, skiing, whatever it is that you do.

Keep it shorter than you initially think - it ends up with a desperate flavour if you put too much in. Also, I think you need to be confident enough to say - this is who we are in a few pages (10 or less) and this is what we offer. 

I would say that you need to find someone you know who will look through your portfolio or dear birth mom letter and be ruthlessly honest with you - that pix looks odd, this doesn't make sense, you may have this interest but not sure it will appeal to a 15 to 25 year old, you are trying too hard, etc....  If you can bear to do this with a couple of different people, that would be good.  Maybe even try it with a younger person 15 to 25 years old - how are they receiving the info you have set out? Remember that while this process may seem uncomfortable and like you are being judged again, you are.  And first impressions do count.  Once the birthmom meets you, they will really get to know who you are.  However, it is very much like a job application situation - this is the tool that gets you the interview.  It is not what ultimately gets you the job - that will depend on your phone and in-person discussions.

As a result, there is a superficial quality about how birthmoms will assess your letter - it may well be that they say - are the people attractive?  Do they look old or young?  It's that first 10 seconds of impression that count.  Some birth moms will want adoptive parents with no children, some will want adoptive parents with children.  Some of these criteria you simply do not control.  Emphasize your high points - don't look too much at other portfolios or you will start talking in the patter that you can see on-line - use your own voice.

Most importantly - use your own voice and demonstrate who you and your partner are.

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Windthrow

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Re: Maximize your chance for a match...Ideas?
« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2008, 01:07:16 PM »

I will second everything that wpcf (wont call you "pigs" for short i think) said.

Trying to predict what a potential birthmom might find appealing is simply impossible. We originally pursued IA because we figured we were too old to ever "compete" successfully with other couples. Ultimately even though our birthmom was quite young, apparently our ages were not a concern to her at all. She did like the photos of us skiing though  <hmmmm>.
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whenpigscanfly

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Re: Maximize your chance for a match...Ideas?
« Reply #4 on: June 03, 2008, 01:15:01 PM »

Oh yeah - and on the age thing - I am an older mom and that didn't seem to matter but it may for some birthmoms.  It just means that a match with those birthmoms is not meant to be but you will be picked by someone else who doesn't get hung up on that issue. It's just another factor that you don't control (well, subject to use of hair products and makeup), and I guess plastic surgery but I'm not going there.  So don't fret over it - just go with who you are and the right person will choose you.
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beenthereonce

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Re: Maximize your chance for a match...Ideas?
« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2008, 01:31:51 PM »

We might be another couple where it happens because of friends who know friends who know friends whose DD etc.  We initially went the IA route because we didn't like the idea of 'selling' ourselves (I'm not saying it is wrong, just that it wasn't us).  For friends of ours who adopted it was simply that the dad was a welder and the birthmom's dad was a welder...that was the clinching factor. 

Honesty is important.....I find it pretty scary how people can represent themselves on paper/the net so different from who they are.  I've thought more and more about the tough part of choosing a family (in the past I was always focused on the choice of not raising a child).
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